Tuesday, 20 June 2017

The Cruel Act of Ghosting

I'd heard about ghosting, but only in relation to dating scenarios.
Think Charlize Theron and Sean Penn.  
But last week, Thursday evening to be exact, the penny dropped.
Someone related to me, someone I share a lifetime of love and memories with,
has cut off contact without offering any kind of explanation.
That realisation has caused me a huge amount of grief.
Tears have been shed.
But here's the thing.
Why would someone deliberately set out to break off a relationship,
 when the other party has no idea what may have caused this to happen?
Pyschology Today reports that "one of the most insidious aspects of ghosting is that 
it doesn't just cause you to question the validity of the relationship you had,
 it causes you to question yourself."  The article notes that "ghosting gives you no clue
for how to act" and goes on to remind the reader that "... it says nothing about you ...
and everything about the person doing the ghosting.  It shows he/she doesn't have the courage to deal with the discomfort of their emotions or yours ... In any case they have sent you an extremely loud message that says: I don't have what it takes to have a mature healthy relationship with you.
  Be the better person, retain your dignity and let go."    
A similar article on the Huffington Post reached the same conclusion: 
  “Tell yourself there’s nothing more you can do, it’s not personal and accept what is ... and then go do something that makes your heart smile ..."
And although both articles do reach the same conclusion, neither currently offers me any comfort.

Have you ever been on the receiving end of a ghosting?
Have you ever been the person doing the ghosting?  

6 comments:

Patio Postcards said...

Never knew there was a technical term for this behaviour. Ruth I am sorry this has happened to you. Yes this behaviour happens in my family all the time. I have not done it, but I have one sister who repeatedly does this to me & it is so very hurtful & confusing. After a time, sometimes years, she will make contact with me, no explanation of what "I did" & then suddenly she will do it "ghost" me again. The most hurtful part is that she will deny me seeing my niece (her daughter). One of my brothers "ghosts" the whole family, he did this shortly after our Mother's death, a time when you would think supporting each other through the most difficult of times would bond together rather that push family apart. It feels lonely. I have tried to understand why, what hurts are they feeling to elicit such behaviour. Thank you for sharing this & thanks for the links, maybe these articles do shed some light, although it doesn't bring that reason of what, why, what did I do!!!!??!!! ... I do wish I could comfort because I do know how painful & sad it is to be "ghosted" ... Families (said in the most heavy of sighs). Keep loving them, but don't beat yourself up (hard not to) trying to behaviour for them.

debs14 said...

Oh Ruth, I'm so sorry this has happened to you. It's such a horrible thing to do to someone, I don't understand why someone would do it. With no explanation or reason, so hurtful. Concentrate on the people who reciprocate your love and attention.

Melissa said...

Honestly I had no idea there was a name for this kind of behavior, but, yes, I've had this happen numerous times with family members. It took me years to realize that it was their issue, and now I just take it in stride and show love and grace (and boundaries) when they re-enter my life months or years (!) later. I'm currently praying for reconciliation with a close family member, but there's nothing I can do until that person wants to include me.

I'm so sorry you're going through this hurt!! Sending you some virtual hugs from Texas!!

Nancy Peacock said...

I've been ghosted twice by the same person. Both times took about 6 months to recover from. Now I realize that this friend has psychological issues that have undermined dozens of relationships with many other people over the 20 years I've known her. I believed I was immune from that happening to me. The trouble is that though I know with my intellect why this is happening again my heart still is so hurt by her rejection and total silence. For me forgiveness has been the key to freedom - but it takes time for forgiveness to ring true in your heart and mind. I'm very sorry you're going through this hard time. I hope that the pain will continue to lessen and that you will feel happy and carefree again. My thoughts are with you - even across the pond (Canada)! Nancy

alexa said...

I am late, and catching up, Ruth, and sad to read this, and of your own pain in it all. I didn't know that that was what it was called. Like others who've commented, I have a close family member who behaved like this after my Mum died, and it took me longer than i would have liked to work through it. Thinking of you, and hoping that the puzzlement and distress ease, and you can hold onto your own inner goodness through it all.

Alison said...

I'm even later than Alexis and am also catching up! Sorry to hear you're having such a tough time...I had never heard of 'ghosting' till I saw you mention it on IG...it must be extremely difficult for you to cope with and I am not surprised that between that and the recent issues with TBC you can't get your head around scrapping...I am certain your mojo won't disappear entirely..you may just need a rest from it. Take care of you ...sending hugs as always xx

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